Joey, 15

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Monday, March 15, 2010

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me.
His name is Jin.
I always thought of him as a friend until last year,when we went to a trip from a club.
I found that I fell in love with him.
Before that trip was over,I took a step and confessed my love for him.
And soon, we became a pair of lovers,but we loved each other in different ways.
I always concentrated on him only,but by his side, there were so many other girls.
To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…
"Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked.
"I can’t"
"Why? You need to study at home?"
I felt disappointment grabbing me.
"No… I am going to meet a friend…"
He was always like that.He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing.
To him, I was just a girlfriend.
The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth.
Since I knew him,I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before.
To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all.
He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days…
Everyday, before we say goodbye,he would just hand me a doll,everyday, without fail.
I don’t know why…
Then one day…
Me: "Um, Jin, I …"
Jin: "What…don’t drag, just say.."
Me: "I love you."Jin: "……you….um, just take this doll and go home.
"That was how he ignored my ‘three words’and handed me the doll.
Then he disappeared,like he was running away.
The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one.
There were many…
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday.
When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him,and stranded myself in my room,waiting for his call.
But…lunch passed,dinner passed…and soon the sky was dark…he still didn’t call.
It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore.
Then around 2am in the morning,he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep.
He told me to come out of the house.
Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: "Jin…"
Jin: "Here…take this…"
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: "What’s this?"
Jin: "I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now.I’m going home now, bye." Me: "Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?"
Jin: "Today? Huh? "
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday.
He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.
Then I shouted…"Wait…"
Jin: "You have something to say? "
Me: "Tell me, tell me you love me…"
Jin: "What?!"
Me: "Tell me!"
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him.
But he just said simple cold words and left.
"I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily,if you are desperate to hear it,then find someone else."
That was what he said.
Then he ran off.
My legs felt numb…and I collapsed to the ground.
He didn’t want to say it easily…
How could he….I felt that…
Maybe he is not the right guy for me…
After that day,I stranded myself at home crying, just crying.
He didn’t call me, although I was waiting.
He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house.
That’s how those dolls piled up in my room…everyday.
After a month,I got myself together and went to school.
But what made the pain resurface was that…I saw him on a street…with another girl…
He had a smile on his face,one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll…
I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room,and tears fell…
Why did he gave these to me…
Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…
In a fit of anger,I threw the dolls around.
Then suddenly, the phone rang.
It was him.
He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house.
I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop.
I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end.
Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: "Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?"
I couldn’t help hating him,acting like nothing had happen and joking around.
Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: "I don’t need it. "
Jin: "What….why…"
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: "I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!!I don’t want to see a person like you again!"
I spitted out all the words that were inside me.
But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
"I’m sorry" He apologized in a tiny voice.
He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
Me: "You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?!Just throw it away!!! "
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll.
Then… Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk,a big truck was heading towards him.
"Jin! Move! Move away!"I shouted…
But he didn’t hear me,he squatted down and picked up the doll.
"Jin, move!" HONK~!! "Boom!"
That sound, so terrifying.
That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him…And after spending two months like a crazy person…I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out.
I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days…when we were in love…"One…two… three…"
That was how…I started to count the dolls…
"Four hundred and eighty four…four hundred and eighty five…"
It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms.
I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…"I love you~, I love you~"
I dropped the dolls,shocked.
"I….lo..ve…you??"I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.
"I love you~ I love you~"It can’t be!I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
"I love you~" "I love you~" "I love you~"
Those words came out non-stop.I…love you…
Why didn’t I realize that….
That his heart was always by my side,protecting me.
Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much…
I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach,that was the last doll,the one that fell on the road.
It had his blood stain on it.
The voice came out,the on that I was missing so much…
"Jo…Do you know what today is?We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you….Um… since I was too shy…If you forgive me and take this doll,I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die…Jo… I love you…"
The tears came flowing out of me.
Why? Why?
I asked god,why do I only know about all this now?
He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…
For that…and for that reason…to me…it became courage…to live a beautiful life….

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Second last paper tdy.
Was a total disaster fr my maths, cmi :x
Chem was the best paper I think I've done through out the year.
Tmrw is my last paper, poa paper2 (:
Will do my best fr it, since its the last paper of the year.
I think I've a high possibility to retain this year, shit!
Most of the papers were horrible to me, except fr chem.
Cause I was well prepared fr that?
Didn't rly study much this year,
The fact is I only studied whn test n exams are near.
Hopefully, if the teacher is kind, they'll let me be promoted.

Nw I'm at sist house, bt we just quarreled.
Cause of some stupid stuff that is totally unbelievable if i say it out.
So forget bout it, LET BYGONES BE BYGONES.
She just came into the room shall edit ltr if I've the time.
I'm off ^^

Edited :
Many things are unpreditable right?
Bt i rly hope sist cn overcome him faster.
Also if sist rly still likes him, just tell me.
Loving someone is nt your fault la, just learn hw to think ba (:
If he belongs to you, he'll come back to you no matter what happen in the future.
You always like to say "Let nature take its flow." right?
So go on with your principle.
Just come to me if you've things you want to sort out.
I'll be here always,
Its just whether you want to come to me or nt :D